None of this has made Linda kick him out, which makes you think: what are the non-celeb marriage deal-breakers in 2015?
After consultation (I’m only at the nine-year mark, so still training-wheels stage), here are my top 10:
- Infidelity, obviously. But then again, could it be a cover for depression? A cry for help? Could it be your fault? Who cares: infidelity stays at the top of the list, unless he had reason to think you were MIA. It’s a cast-iron deal-breaker – and you get to cut up his suits. That’s fair.
- Male friends who come over late, drink everything, sleep on the sofa and never leave. Dave “needing somewhere to crash until he gets himself sorted” out could put as much strain on a relationship as those pesky Miss Worlds.
- Spending more money on clothes/personal maintenance than you do. It may be that the couple who Botox together stay together. Who knows? But if your husband is shelling out for teeth-whitening moulds while you make do with the baking-powder supplemented end of the Colgate range, those out-of-sync priorities will get you down.
- Him deciding to give up work to pursue some higher calling, or just to do what he’s always wanted to do. Ha ha. No. Midlife crises, lifestyle shifts in general… very deal-breaky.
- Him deciding to give up drink. Obviously fine provided you are also giving up drink. Otherwise… hard to find common ground after that, presumably.
- Incompatible friends. I think we all know there is no greater stress than hanging out with your husband’s friends whose wives give you the same feeling you get when watching Cheryl Fernandez-Versini try to be nice.
- Disloyalty. As in… “Go on, then: point out Syria on the map.”
- Secrets. Any secrets, never mind the studio flat, gambling habit, remortgage. Having secretly watched the last episode of Doctor Foster while you were doing the Tesco shop – that could do it.
- Doing a runner in a bad situation. As in when the bull is charging both of you in the field. Or when a known groper is heading your way at a party.
- A disturbing hobby: model trains, sailing. Collecting traffic cones. That’s just me, though. I appreciate that a lot of wives enjoy model trains and sailing…
Photo: Tom Borden